Excerpt from a meltdown...Do not read this if you don't want to hear griping.

The following is a piece of an email I sent to a friend today. Please ignore it.

I need friends...ears...shoulders. I apologize for any sarcasm or bitterness to follow. It is ABSOLUTELY not directed at you. It's just there...part of my fragile emotions, I think.

I'm so exasperated I don't even know what I need. I need to skip December, I think. It's just a reminder to us of what we can't do. I don't want to be negative, it's just that it's so hard to get through this month in the financial state that we are in.

My stupid cat just HAD TO get sick this month and cost us over $200 that we couldn't spend...and more tomorrow at the f/u appt. My car's engine light has been on for almost 3 months, and I keep putting that off because I can't afford it. I feel guilty for buying two stupid pr. of pants from Walmart even though I've been wearing the same ONE pair for 3 months now. I hate looking at my boys when they say "Maybe Santa will bring me THAT for Christmas" and thinking "There may not be anything." It's not even that I want to go buy a bunch of things for them, it's just that I wish it was even an option. I desperately want to save money, but there is honestly nothing to save. And I'm so tired of it always coming to money for us. Should we quit what we feel like God has called us to so that we CAN "make money"? Or are we just trading God for money? Can both exist in our life? And how long does God mean for us to experience this "lesson"?
I'm tired of the constant need. I can so sympathize with many of our clients. I'm tired of always having to rely on The Hope Center or the kindnesses of friends when it comes to the basic needs for our family. I feel like "Not only am I the President of the Hair Club for Men, I'm also a Client!" It just gets old. We are dealing with another incident that I won't mention specifics of.  Lets just say it is embarassing, humiliating even, and we got the raw end of the deal.  We're fighting it, and that will continue the emotional rollercoaster. Everything has just hit me so hard recently. It took everything in me to go to Women of Faith last weekend (a friend invited me, bought the tickets and hotel), and I had such a hard time enjoying it because I was so preoccupied with everything that's going on in our life. And then I feel stupid and petty because there are so many other people with worse circumstances than ours, and I should be grateful. But I'm just not right now. I feel like I'm just going to start bawling again and not be able to stop. Must be hormones.

Would you like me to come and wipe my puke off of your shoes now?

Trainers get vacations??

Okay, so Santos & Megan have gone off to Maui and won't be back until the 6th.  I weep.

A tasty dinner

Chicken Asparagus Rolls

Pound out about 4 boneless/skinless breasts. Sprinkle lightly with garlic salt. If you're feeling REALLY adventurous put a slice of provolone or mozzarella in first. Then place about 5-6 asparagus stalks inside (I like to use Trader Joe's frozen, but thawed). Roll it up and drizzle the outside with a bit of olive oil and a little squeeze of fresh lemon. Chop up some fresh rosemary and sprinkle over the top. Slap it on the grilling machine for about 15 minutes (works best if you PRESS it with a heavy pan or a foil-covered brick) or in a 375 oven for about 25-30 minutes. Super yum!

Filthy 50...er...30

Today was the Filthy 50....but we modified...only did 30...and I finished again.  And I didn't die.  Again.  Even though I was sick with this STUPID sinus infection, I pushed through because I didn't want to miss 2 workouts in a row.  So here it is:

• 30 Box jump, 18" box
• 30 Jumping pull-ups
• 30 Kettlebell swings, 35 lb
• 30 Walking Lunge
• 30 Situps
• 30 Push press, 33 lb bar
• 30 Back extensions
• 30 Wall ball shots, 12 pound ball
• 30 Burpees
• 30 Tuck Jumps

I made kale, chicken breast and brown rice with raisins for dinner.  I still feel like CRAP, but at least I didn't skip today.  It's my body's way of paying me back for the birthday glutens. One of these days I'll learn.

Hope Center on the news!

I am wondering what God is trying to teach us through these very frustrating trials.

Dinner Last Night...Dinner tonight....

Dinner last night was 4 oz Tilapia with capers and asparagus over microgreens.

HOWEVER!!! Today was my birthday.  I was VERY good all day until dinner....we went to Applebees.  I had a small margarita, appetizers (about 6 dynamite shrimp, 2 BBQ boneless chicken bites, and 2 mozzerella sticks), a few bites of loaded mash, and a bite of smothered chicken with onions & peppers.  THEN, they brought me a chocolate mousse shooter!  GAH!  That was SOOOO not Paleo!  After that we went to the movies. I ate 2 peices of chocolate, and about a cup of popcorn with no butter.  That's it....and the binge ends now.  I can't wait to go workout tomorrow!

Listening to John Mark Mcmillan. Eating raspberries. Thinking of my mom. Oh How I Love You So!

Wow! What a beautiful service for Heidi today. So many who loved her and to support her fam.

Workout and Food

Today was a fun little workout.  400 m run, 5 bear crawls, 10 dips, 15 wallballs, 200 m run, 5 bear crawls, 10 dips, 15 wallballs, 200m run in 19:10.  I didn't get to do the third round all the way.  Bear crawls were killing me!  Then push presses 65x5, 70x5, 70x5. 

Eating has been a challenge over the past few days.  I think I've been fighting off the flu, so I've been struggling with wanting to eat at all. The conundrum is that I haven't lost any weight until TODAY in about 5 days.  This morning I started the day with a chicken breast and 1/2 a zucchini, both cooked in olive oil in a pan.  My favorite snack that I need to cut down on is a spoonful of almond butter.  I have had two today and it's only 1 in the afternoon.  For lunch I put two salmon fillets and some Trader Joe's asparagus on the Lean Mean Grillin' Machine.  But I also reheated some brown rice.  It was super yum but it was a bona fide cheat.

Now, may I please have a nap?

My Weight Loss Journey + Collage: Part One

As you know I've been going to Crossfit since the end of August 2008.  It has been quite a journey, and I didn't realize how much I've changed until I saw these pictures.

In Pictures 1-4 I was at the peak of my weight - 290 pounds.  I was there for about 2 years.  Miserable.  Uncomfortable.  Always sweaty.  Always tired.  And ALWAYS eating.  My doctor put me on Cholesterol medication which was humiliating and had horrible side effects.  Two weeks after that prescription began, I started Crossfit.

In Picture 5 I am about 2 months into Crossfit, I think.  I had lost probably 10-12 pounds and even though my body was restricting my movement A LOT, I was feeling way better than I had in a long time.  2 weeks after I started Crossfit I stopped taking the Cholesterol meds, and a month after that went back to have my Cholesterol re-checked.  It was NORMAL!

Picture 6 is just before my surgery, probably February or March of this year.  I had lost almost 30 pounds and felt SO GREAT!

The last two were taken by my 7 year old son Josiah just a few hours ago.  I have lost 42 pounds - almost 60 if you count the 15 I gained back then lost again.  I feel great.  And I didn't have to take a pill, or have surgery (no disrespect to those who have).  Not only that, but I've got my mind wrapped around this for the first time in my life.  I don't need to eat to fix my problems...in fact eating just made my problems worse!  Now if I am stressed, I don't eat...I run, I walk, I read the Bible, or I cook a VERY healthy meal or drink a huge glass of water.  Ahh, freedom is sweet!

PROGRESS IS GOOD!!!

HEY! Guess what....I started Crossfit a year ago at 290. This morning I weighed 248!!! OMG, I am thrilled! Gotta love that Paleo Challenge...

Yesterday we did Cindy: I did 8-2/3 sets, 10 jumping pull ups, 10 push ups, 15 bodyweight squats.  Then onto the push press: 65 lbs max 5x5.  I feel it.  Oh yes I do.

This day is not starting out well. Can I CTRL+ALT+DELETE PLEASE?!?

Things this Fat Chick had to deal with

I know, I know....I shouldn't say things like that about myself.  But hey, when a girl hits 290, it tends to make her feel a little......I don't know......FAT!  The truth is, today I am 40 pounds lighter, and getting ready to hit the downhill slope of the other 50 pounds I intend to lose in the next year.  But not everyone can do that right now....and, no condemnation for that.

So this is in homage to all of you other fluffy sisters (and brothers).  It's the stuff we don't talk about with very many people, but we all want to share so we know that we aren't the only ones dealing with this crud.  (I dealt with it with increasing intensity over the past 20 years, but no more for me!!)  And when we face the reality of it all and finally decide whether or not these are things we want to live with for the rest of our lives (and you aren't less of a person if you decide you want to), it gives a kind of freedom.

So here is my list of things that I have hated about being fat:

• waving with the arm, and the flab waving after
• washing and wearing only one pair of pants every single day because they are the only ones that fit
• the inner thighs of those pants wearing out long before the rest of the pants
• getting told by the JC Penney's bra-woman that they don't carry plus size
• shopping for clothes. ever.
• bending over and running out of breath
• being tired before ever getting out of bed
• raw, rashy inner thighs from sweat
• raw, rashy chest from sweaty breasts (yes, even Christians say "breasts" - and even men have them)
• paying extra for plus size (and yet thong underwear cost more than regular, and there's less fabric)
• piercing looks from fellow air travelers
• knowing that you should only eat a little, but eating a lot anyways
• TRIANGLES in your SHORTS! you know what I mean...when they ride up at the crotch!
• "Just My Size"....UGH!
• plus-sized socks...really right now? REALLY??
• working out in front of ANYONE
• sabotaging yourself by "rewarding yourself" with food when you lose a couple of pounds
• the illusion of the "diet food" industry...you CAN'T eat more just because it claims to be good for you!
• realizing that the portions restaurants serve you are at least twice what you need and you can eat the whole plate, plus appetizers and cocktails!
• smelly nose grease (if you don't know what I mean, then you aren't fat)
• the medical industries total snowjob about all of these mysterious medical issues and their causes, when in reality, most of them are at least sometimes caused by being too d*** FAT! (see: sleep apnea, acid reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue, degenerative disc disease)
• ZERO sex drive, and the absolute ridiculousness of trying to make love at almost 300 pounds!
• crying every time you really REALLY look at yourself in the mirror, or see a photo of yourself
• swollen feet
• the belly roll
• the underarm roll
• the inner thigh roll
• the cankle
• the post-binge-eating food coma
• underwire HURTS!!!

Now, let's just counteract that with some positives I have finally realized since embarking on my weight loss journey...I have been working out with Crossfit for a year now, minus 2 months for surgery recovery.  I have lost a total of 40 pounds and I intend to lose at least another 60, if not more. 

• I have so much more energy, although I do still fight fatigue due to the sheer BUSYNESS of my life and lack of sleep. 
• The "rolls" are becoming smaller and smaller, and I am starting to see muscle definition in my legs (calves are HOT!) and my upper arms - SHOCKING! Even my inner thighs are starting to look like normal legs, which I NEVER thought would happen!
• I am ALMOST out of the "20's" (size, that is).  I've been in the "20's" for almost 10 years now.
• My husband has adopted my eating style and has also lost 40 pounds!  AMAZING! He can breathe again and doesn't need the apnea machine anymore!!
• Sex.  That's all I am going to say because you don't need to know anymore. 
• The complete joy that comes over me when I realize that I CAN DO THIS! I don't need food to medicate myself anymore.  I don't run to food when I am frustrated, but I do RUN!

Hats off to Santos and Megan Reyes, and especially Christine and Rudy Ybarra...you are all inspirations in my life.  You have helped me to start to become the person I always wanted to be.  I am happy and I owe it all to you and God!

Workout 10/16/2009

Okay....today we did 5 rounds of this:

5 deadlifts (145 lb) & 10 burpees.  I did it in 11:35.  It was painful!  Yes, I did 50 burpees today.  GARRRR!!!!

Relieved dinner on Paleo...I hope!

Tonight I whipped up a really tasty dinner.  I took some leftover broccoli stalks, 2 baby Zukes, 1/4 red onion and 1/2 red bell pepper and chopped it up fine in my little chopper.  Then I sauteed that in a saucepan with some olive oil, garlic and chicken broth until it was soft and the broth was gone.  Then I added a can of Trader Joe's Marinara and heated it thoroughly with about 1/4 cup of spinach.  In the meantime I had some spaghetti squash boiling.  I got some lovely Sicilian Chicken Sausages from Trader Joes....VERY cheap. I cooked those up on the Lean Mean Grillin' Machine, then added it to the simmering sauce.  A little oil on the spaghetti squash and a light sprinkle of parmesan cheese and garlic salt.  Then I spooned a sausage and some sauce over the spaghetti squash.  A side of salad, and VOILA!  I didn't miss the pasta at all and surprisingly, neither did my hubby!

Emotional Eating Lunch on Paleo

So here is lunch today.  I wanted to emotionally eat something bad, carb-laden and deep fried.  But I made this soup instead.  Remember Thai Stir Fry Soup?  This is the latest Variation....I cooked some broccoli, asparagus and red bell pepper, then I added some pre-cooked shrimp and chicken.  I then added garlic, baby bok choy, zucchini strips, chopped green onion, coconut milk, chicken broth, red curry and garlic chili paste. Simmered for about 5 minutes, added about 1 Tbsp of Blue Agave Nectar (http://www.wholesomesweeteners.com/brands/Wholesome_Sweeteners/Organic_Blue_Agave.html) and VOILA!  Yumminess in 15 minutes.  No added carbs! Yay!

Today's Workout and...

18:30
400 m Run
20 Sumo Deadlift Highpulls/55 lbs
20 Bodyweight Dips
20 Wallballs/12 lbs
200 m Run
20 SDHP
20 BWD
20 WB
400 m Run

5 rds/5 reps Body Rows

ANGRY!! Someone broke into my grandmother's apartment last night and stole her purse! SO ANGRY!!

Today's Workout and Food

So today was stressful, and I had to fight to prevent emotional eating!  I thik it began last night.  I was wiped from a busy day.  We drove home at almost 6:30 P.M. only to find that we had NO HOUSE KEY!!  So we ended up driving BACK to town (we live 10 miles outside of town) and decided to eat at Applebee's.  All eating was fine until then, and even then it was good - except for the boneless bbq chicken wings.  I ate 4 nuggets.  Then I ate 3 ounces of steak and 5 little grilled shrimp; salad and steamed veggies. All of my other eating was fine yesterday.  Today I ate pretty good.  Tonight was grilled Turkey Breast Patty, Roasted Butternut Squash, and Broccoli. I only had one BAD thing...a beverage.  That's it.

But my workout was a BLAST!  We had a 15 minute workout....rounds in 15.  I did 5 rounds: Dbell press (I think?) at 15 lbs, which was a little light; 10 box jumps; 200 meter run.  I set another PR: 5x3 back squats maxxing at 131 lbs.  It was a great workout!  I haven't weighed myself in a couple of days and I am pretty sure I don't want to.  But I am going to try to workout tomorrow too.  I like to throw in at least 1-2 extra workouts on my off-days.

Does anyone read this?  It doesn't matter. I read it!  And I'm looking forward to reading it 6 months from now when I have lost another 35 pounds!  I hope....

When you hear "I don't think it's leukemia" from your 4 year old sons Dr when nobody suggested it you get suspicious.

Dinner Tonight

Dinner 2nite was roasted eggplant and boneless skinless chicken breast with veggie marinara and salad. Couldn't finish again!

Paleo Challenge Days 2-3

So days 2-3 of the Paleo Challenge have left me VERY HAPPY!  My intense hunger has completely left me.  I am FULL at every meal, which is not like me at all.  In fact, I'm not finishing MOST meals.  Last night, and lunch today I had what I am calling Thai Stir Fry Soup.  It is an assortment of veggies, including baby bok choy, green beans (boo, but I love them), bell pepper, broccoli, red onion and garlic.  Then I added some chicken breast and made a broth with Red Curry, Coconut Milk, Soy Sauce, and Chicken Broth.  It is SOOO good!

Breakfast today was a Turkey Breast Patty on the Grillin' Machine with Collards and Spinach, half a banana, half a bell pepper and 8 baby carrots.  I couldn't finish it.

Workout today was INTENSE!  But GREAT!  After warmup we did 3 rounds of 400 m run, 10 pull-ups (I did 20 jumping pull-ups), 10 front squats (65 lbs for me), and 10 burpees.  It took me almost 23 minutes, but by GOD I DID IT!!!  Yes, I did 30 burpees today! YAY!

Paleo Challenge Day One

Today was interesting!  But first some backstory...Because I felt so guilty about not making it to Friday's workout I decided to do the 50/40/30/20/10 lunges/situps workout on the front yard.  I only did 50 and 20 because my son found it impossible to leave me alone while I worked out!  But I also did some burpees and was pleased to find that I could do 5 straight without stopping!

So I get to L10XF today, and GUESS WHAT THE WORKOUT IS!?? 50/40/30/20/10 lunges/situps!!!  GAHH!!!  I will have massive lungebutt tomorrow.

Tomorrow was also the start of the Paleo Challenge for me.  Got weighed, measured and photoed.  It's on now.

Here was my dinner tonight. Mahi Mahi with Caper Sauce, Roasted Butternut Squash and Sauteed Kale & Chard.  Yummy in my tummy.  Now time for an Ibuprofen and bed!

This is what my son Jeremiah's gland under his chin looks like today. (A little young for an Adams Apple, don't you think? Mono? Don't know. I'm going to call for the blood test results right now!

Workout?

Today is the start of the Paleo Challenge and I am not there because my little guy may have Mono!  So I'll have to workout at home today.  Creativity, come to me!

Later Addition: I didn't workout on Friday but I did on Sunday...I did a 50/20 lunge/situp workout...then did the 50/40/30/20/10 lunge/situp workout the NEXT DAY at Crossfit....MURRR!!!

Workout 09/30/2009

YAY! Another PR!!  I deadlifted 225 today!!  I lifted with a great young man named Trevor.  He killed it at 295!  Then we did a dreaded 15 minute killer...200m Run, 4 Bear Crawls, and 15 Db presses (20 lb).  I did 2 1/2 rounds...I have such a hard time with those freaking bear crawls!  Alas...there will be another day....

Workout 09/28/2009

So it's Diagnostic Week at L10XF. Today we did 5x5 Back Squats (I think?).  I am not entirely sure what my last back squat was because I couldn't find it in my book.  But today it was 125lb!!  We also did a 1000m Row for time.  My last 1000 was 4:23.1.  Today it was 4:11.9.  PR, BABY!!!  Then I looked back at my last PR for deadlift, and it was 148lb.  Friday it was 170!!!!  YAHOO!!!

We didn't start Paleo today...it's Friday.  Pray for me!

Jesus does CrossFit!

Many of you (as though there are so MANY of you reading this right now) know that I have been training with Santos at Level 10 Crossfit for the past 11 months.  Before major surgery in March 17th, 09 I had lost 35 pounds.  Once I had surgery I gained approximately 15 pounds back.  I returned to Crossfit in mid-June and am now back down to 35 pounds lost total.  My goal is to lose at least 50 pounds in the next year.  While I know I could probably lose more than that, I don't want to set an unrealistic goal for myself.  I mean hey, it took me 20 years to put on over 100 pounds.  I have tried several times with "fad" plans to lose weight, only to gain it all back and then some.  This program is a complete lifestyle change for me that I hope to continue throughout my life.

Controlling food has been my biggest challenge.  We are a VERY low income family, and we often run out of FRESH food as well as money by the 3rd week of the month.  I am trying to be more conscientious about buying frozen fruits and vegetables so we can still have healthy options towards the end of the month.  But I cannot deviate from this program because it has become one of my favorite things to do, not only for my physical health, but for my mental health also.  This is my "ME" time.  I am so excited and surprised by my physical capabilities, and how they are increasing.  The other day I was ECSTATIC because while lifting with Amy H I was able to pull a 170 lb deadlift!  That's more than my 16 year old daughter weighs!  A moment of honesty...not for the faint of heart....my next small goal (by end of next month) is to get below a size 20....I haven't been in 9 years!

Tomorrow starts the Paleo Challenge (I think it's 6 weeks).   I am looking forward to it, and dreading it.  I am a rebel when it comes to food.  Probably because I like food so much, and because I am such a great cook.  I just need to channel that into Paleo Friendly stuff.  We can do this.  We can totally do this....

You don't have to pay attention to this part, but I am going to be posting my workouts and food log here.  I'm sure that will be riveting!  Wish us luck, blessings, good Karma, or whatever I need to help me make it through....and YES>>>Jesus does CrossFit!

Setlist for Church Sun 9/27/2009

Today was "A" day...everything in the key of A. Service was a little different. Opening Song, Welcome, Offering (with a song), 3/4 of the message, 3.25 worship songs, the rest of the message, then a closer....Picture this:

Counting on God (Gateway)
Alabaster Jar (Gateway?)
My Savior My God (Aaron Shust)
All The Way My Savior Leads Me (Tomlin)
Just As I Am (1 stanza)
Jesus Paid It All (Passion Version)
Blessed Be Your Name

It was interesting. I feel that we can do a better job musically, but we gave it our best for the time we put into the set. Sam played bass today and Mr. Northcutt joined us on lead guitar. I just love that guy! Very gifted and a great attitude!

BTW, set list when our band played at church:

Bored & Tired
You Are Good
To You
Rescue
Revelation Song
At The Cross

It was Communion Sunday, so we sang Hillsong's At The Cross for Communion. It was a really great service. Several hearing-aid members decided to sit outside the sanctuary for worship...I don't hold that against them at all. It was loud...but I LIKE IT LOUD! It doesn't have to be loud ALL the time, but I am pretty sure that God's amp goes to 11.