Excerpt from a meltdown...Do not read this if you don't want to hear griping.

The following is a piece of an email I sent to a friend today. Please ignore it.

I need friends...ears...shoulders. I apologize for any sarcasm or bitterness to follow. It is ABSOLUTELY not directed at you. It's just there...part of my fragile emotions, I think.

I'm so exasperated I don't even know what I need. I need to skip December, I think. It's just a reminder to us of what we can't do. I don't want to be negative, it's just that it's so hard to get through this month in the financial state that we are in.

My stupid cat just HAD TO get sick this month and cost us over $200 that we couldn't spend...and more tomorrow at the f/u appt. My car's engine light has been on for almost 3 months, and I keep putting that off because I can't afford it. I feel guilty for buying two stupid pr. of pants from Walmart even though I've been wearing the same ONE pair for 3 months now. I hate looking at my boys when they say "Maybe Santa will bring me THAT for Christmas" and thinking "There may not be anything." It's not even that I want to go buy a bunch of things for them, it's just that I wish it was even an option. I desperately want to save money, but there is honestly nothing to save. And I'm so tired of it always coming to money for us. Should we quit what we feel like God has called us to so that we CAN "make money"? Or are we just trading God for money? Can both exist in our life? And how long does God mean for us to experience this "lesson"?
I'm tired of the constant need. I can so sympathize with many of our clients. I'm tired of always having to rely on The Hope Center or the kindnesses of friends when it comes to the basic needs for our family. I feel like "Not only am I the President of the Hair Club for Men, I'm also a Client!" It just gets old. We are dealing with another incident that I won't mention specifics of.  Lets just say it is embarassing, humiliating even, and we got the raw end of the deal.  We're fighting it, and that will continue the emotional rollercoaster. Everything has just hit me so hard recently. It took everything in me to go to Women of Faith last weekend (a friend invited me, bought the tickets and hotel), and I had such a hard time enjoying it because I was so preoccupied with everything that's going on in our life. And then I feel stupid and petty because there are so many other people with worse circumstances than ours, and I should be grateful. But I'm just not right now. I feel like I'm just going to start bawling again and not be able to stop. Must be hormones.

Would you like me to come and wipe my puke off of your shoes now?